Seriously what? I mean it could have been worse, which is my surprise WHAAAAAAAAT? Cause it really wasn't that bad...I thought it was going to be bad. I mean I did take a 3 hour nap prior to actually going to sleep, who does that you ask? Well me. I don't know what the hell was wrong with me, but I was practically sleep walking to my room, while stripping off all my clothes just to get into bed. What really shocked me was that I was able to miraculously fall asleep again, two hours later! I don't think that's technically healthy, but hey I was able to do it and have an ok day.
Now I have to get ready for tomorrow, shower, eat, make lunch, prepare coffee so all I have to do is press a button, yes I am that lazy, it saves me like 3 minutes of extra time.
I can't wait for this week to be over though. My mom has finally decided it's time to inform the rest of the family about my older brother, whom I'm sure they all think is dead or a complete butch, which both are not to far from the truth...my brother is transgender. Personally I don't get why it's so hard for my mother to tell people, but I didn't push him out one way to come out another way...sorry to those that think I'm being insensitive or whatever. I'm not, I love my brother and am soooo fucking proud of him it's ridiculous. I'm not afraid to tell people what he is, and how amazing he is, and that he's way smarter than majority of people. We were disconnected siblings growing up, since he lived with my overly religious and pious aunt and uncle. So it was an honor that he decided to keep only my mother and myself in his new life, he didn't have to, especially me since we hardly ever talked. I think he was surprised at how quickly I accepted him and adapted to the chosen pronouns and his name, which my mom still can't stomach to say, but her calling me out of the blue and telling me she was ready to tell them was beautiful and I can only imagine what my brother felt when she told him, well apart from anxiety which he suffers from. It's big!! It means she's ready to accept him, for him. Speaking of him, I gotta write to him since my phone is broken (by yours truly)
So I'm the type of person that gets bored, restless? Either way whatever hobby I'm doing I essentially stop doing it for a while...like 2 years to be exact. It's been a good minute since I've crocheted and I am just now getting into the swing of things again. I forgot that it was a peaceful feeling to just sit there and crochet while listening to music, sipping coffee, watching/listening to a movie, or reading other crochet blogs. I forgot that with crochet you begin to appreciate the little things like color, a non-crocheter might be walking down the street and just be worried about getting to their destination, but a crocheter might notice the purple flowers and green leaves make a pretty color combo, or the grey concrete and the rotten brown gum make a nice color combo too....or I'm just speaking out of my ass! Who knows?
The hubby and I are going to be taking off in a few short minutes to his gig (he's a musician) and than off to a friends from there to watch the fight, I know next to nothing about UFC fighting so I'm bringing along my crochet, to keep me entertained, though our friends are pretty entertaining on their own. It's a good thing I actually like this couple or I would be an awkward asshole, I like to think that's my best quality.
I'm officially calling an out sick day at work! I'm adverse to doing so, because I feel an immense guilt for those that have to fill my shoes (especially since everyone hates working my class) I'm a preschool teacher for those that do not know, I work with 3 year olds in the morning and school age in the afternoon, we can also call me an alcoholic...I'm just kidding, I only ever THINK about drinking as much as I can. Lately my kids have been driving me to have fantasies of killing them or seriously hurting them, in my view being around children and having these fantasies is perfectly normal...right? So I've decided I need a day off, well a sick day and though I'm not technically sick I'm convincing my self it's for the good of the children (and my sanity) to call the day off. I still have to get up early though, but who cares?!?! I don't have to be around children of all ages crying for my attention, children that have hearing issues, who have attitudes, who are spoon feed brats and only get set straight for 8 hours of the day! I'm obviously excited as fuck! On a less tangent note, I've been crocheting. Some of my co-workers found out that I crochet and thought my stuff was pretty good so I've been on a crocheting frenzy, filling orders, and all that good stuff. It felt great finishing the first set of hats and having the costumer be excited to receive their items, I haven't done it for so long! Hopefully I actually keep doing it. Random subject change: Seriously can not wait for Thanksgiving week!
Keeping an online journal is difficult for me apparently. I'm a pen/pencil and paper kind of gal, due to the fact I'm a stationery hoarder. I'm also an internet junkie though, but lj mobile is annoying to navigate and I hardly go on the laptop so I'm stuck brooding which is not healthy. So why am I here now you ask? Cause I've reached my limit of brooding and need some mental release. Ah who am I kidding? My life isn't terrible, especially right now things just seem to be clicking into place, I'm just being an impatient brat. I want to lose my stomach fat!!! But also eat what I want haha...that's not happening. Travis and I have been going to a boot camp for the past 5 months and it's really great, I've lost 27lbs and he's upped 25lbs. I FEEL great, no more sluggish-ness, random exhaustion, lack of energy, and I can keep up with the kids. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I still crave salty, tasty goodness...it doesn't help that I'm bleeding internally, tmi? And as I said before I'm a brooder, it's like my brain won't shut the fuck up! Especially if I feel insecure about something (mostly my job). I will literally be in the car driving away from work thinking about my day at work...oh maybe I shouldn't have said that? I left food in the classroom! Hopefully ants won't come in, I'm gonna get written up for that, did I say too much to that parent, am I a good teacher? are just some of the many thoughts that run through my head and I CAN'T stop!! I can feel my self tensing up and getting stiff, like if I move I'm gonna get a kink or pull a muscle. Today was so bad that I smoked to calm myself down. As soon as I exhaled I felt all the pressure in my body blow out with the smoke and I felt peaceful, well sleepy but that's pretty much the same thing in my book.
Maybe I should have just said yes to going? But I really don't want to deal with people today. Why can't I just be a normal person who actually likes people and going out? Ok, it's not that I don't like going out, but I like certain people to hang with (even then I feel awkward) Now I'm feeling guilty...like I couldn't even say yes to going to hang with some people, who I'm sure are nice? I sound like an asshole. I don't want to be a hermit crab, but than again I do. Ugh, why did I grow up with anti-social genetics? Pretty much all my family are loners....my excuse is I didn't feel like pretending to be nice. If I could be drunk all the time when meeting new people that would be nice, I'm a nice drunk. But no I gotta be this sober, moody, broody, asshole. I will apologize later, for now it's netflix, by myself.
There is no doubt that I'm growing up, but I wish I could just speed through the whole ordeal. I just want to get to that point where I'm not 24 and where I know what I'm doing with myself and life. I know sounds...for a lack of better terms, depressing? What a great way to come back from a haitus huh?
I'm excited for the weekend...even though I do not get weekends off :) But Still we have a lot of things planned. We are going to eat sushi tonight with friends, tomorrow we have a poker game to go to for work...I do not know how to play poker, but I'm sure it will be fun to watch. I just hope people are not trying to teach me, I get kind of awkward when I'm being taught something I don't want to learn (I'm a weirdo like that) I might just bring my bag of yarn and hooks to crochet. By the way I'm crocheting a blanket!! I'm super excited for it to be done and it's a great journey so far. I'm not really big on crocheting blankets, because they take to long and my attention span is like that of a fish, so I usually never finish them, but I will this time!! Plus it's cold so I need things to keep me warm.
My work is going good so far, it does make me a little nervous at times because I have a certain quota to hit and I get down on myself when I don't hit those numbers. But I'm trying my best! I hope you all have a great weekend <3
I accept that I am the way I am I accept that I am in no way shape or form perfect I accept that I'm beautifully imperfect I accept that I have many flaws I accept that this person reflecting in the mirror is me I accept me, myself, and I I accept myself for who I am and I also accept that I want to be the best me that I can possibly be I'm not changing, I'm just evolving into the person I know that I'm capable of being I accept that evolving is going to be hard I accept that I may fall, but I accept that I will get back up and continue on my journey Because I accept that this is for me.
Hello, yes I am still living, just in case anyone is wondering. Life has been....well life: crazy, chaotic, finding myself, what-the-fuck-am-I-doing moments (lots of those actually), negative thoughts, and etc. I started my new job and I went into a kind of depression mode, because I totally sucked at it. Okay, being less dramatic and more truthful I didn't suck at it, I've just never done this type of work before...it was very brand new to me and yeah I kind of suck at it right now, but I'm getting better! So fingers crossed I'm hoping by next month I will be top notch good at it. I've started doing yoga and meditation, and I'm crocheting more. I've been trying to manage my time better and do everything I want to do. So hopefully I will be writing more often, no promises though.